I wonder how much denial is still playing a part in his head. Does he truly understand how serious his issues are and how they effect our daughter and me?? He sure doesn't act like it. He won't talk about it on a serious level with me outside of his psychologist's office. He refuses to take the medications he is prescribed. I cannot make him want to get better. I don't even know how to get him to acknowledge any of it. He knows that I go to see a counselor twice a month (at least) to cope. I did mention to him the vicarious PTSD and how I have all the symptoms. I don't understand why he cannot take all this seriously. The VA didn't give him an over 100% rating for the hell of it.
It scares me to think this state of mind won't change. It scares me to think about how this is all going to play out throughout our daughter's life. What kind of adult will she become with a father like this? I don't think he has the capacity anymore to think about these things. These meds he has are supposed to make life easier for all of us. I'm beyond tired and worn out from this. I can't make him want to be better. I am actually jealous of those spouses of wounded warriors that TAKE their medication.
His psychologist is currently on paternity leave. While I am all for that, I really need him to come back to work because our relationship is on hold until we can sit in his office again. It's just not safe for me to engage otherwise. How frustrating that he cannot understand my point of view without hearing it from the psychologist. Boy, I wouldn't want his job... we have only just scratched the surface and we are two pieces of work.
Friday, June 24, 2011
It has been 21 days (almsot to the hour!) since I last felt this rage that I am struggling to control. I have been stifiled for over three years. I can't say what I really want to say. I can't be who I really am for fear of his demons spiraling out of control. How much longer can I stuff these emotions down? I have no where to put them but here. His psychologist said it's "heroic" of me. Heroic? I keep thinking maybe it's more stupid of me and lacking in respect for myself and my child that I continue to endure living this way. What I wouldn't give for a "free pass" to shout and scream at him. When is it my turn to unhural all these toxic emotions at him?! I don't get a turn... if I took a turn, it would most likely be my last.
Friday, June 3, 2011
As I looked at the bowl I was about to put in the dishwasher, I had an overwhelming urge to smash it on the floor. I was aware that the only reason I didn't was because my daughter was just in the other room eating her lunch. I banged the rice out of the rice cooker pot into the trash can, and kicked the can back under the sink. That felt good... not quite as good as it would have felt to smash dishes on the floor but it would have to do. Anger, rage, sadness... that's all I seem to feel towards him. Towards the PTSD that has consumed him. He is setting me off now. I have a rage of my own that is brewing. It comes directly from his, or his threats/warnings. I must be in a constant state of stifle - I cannot have my own real emotions.