Friday, June 3, 2011
As I looked at the bowl I was about to put in the dishwasher, I had an overwhelming urge to smash it on the floor. I was aware that the only reason I didn't was because my daughter was just in the other room eating her lunch. I banged the rice out of the rice cooker pot into the trash can, and kicked the can back under the sink. That felt good... not quite as good as it would have felt to smash dishes on the floor but it would have to do. Anger, rage, sadness... that's all I seem to feel towards him. Towards the PTSD that has consumed him. He is setting me off now. I have a rage of my own that is brewing. It comes directly from his, or his threats/warnings. I must be in a constant state of stifle - I cannot have my own real emotions.