Friday, June 24, 2011
21 days
It has been 21 days (almsot to the hour!) since I last felt this rage that I am struggling to control. I have been stifiled for over three years. I can't say what I really want to say. I can't be who I really am for fear of his demons spiraling out of control. How much longer can I stuff these emotions down? I have no where to put them but here. His psychologist said it's "heroic" of me. Heroic? I keep thinking maybe it's more stupid of me and lacking in respect for myself and my child that I continue to endure living this way. What I wouldn't give for a "free pass" to shout and scream at him. When is it my turn to unhural all these toxic emotions at him?! I don't get a turn... if I took a turn, it would most likely be my last.
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I so relate to your feelings of rage and anger -- so consuming sometimes that I wanted to hurt someone and I was afraid that it would be my children. I am still working through this even today, but it helps that my husband is in a better spot. I don't know how to help you help him understand the need to deal with the issues. All I can do is pray for you and remind you that the only person that you control is YOU. You have the power to take care of yourself no matter what is happening around you. This is not easy, but it is possible. For me, it is possible through God's help. Thinking of you!
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